September 2017

Cross Stitch Bitch

I am the worldwide phenomenon that is Cross Stitch Bitch.

I’m a hot, young, nubile sex bomb who partakes in the genteel, delicate form of artwork that is ‘Cross Stitch’.

Cross Stitch Bitch is my really naughty alter ego; she likes alcohol, partying and inappropriate men, all in copious amounts.

I prefer to remain anonymous as I feel it gives me an enigmatic air of mystery, plus I can be as rude and filthy as I want to be, which is totally NOT what I’m like in real life. I’m very quiet & reserved, shy almost.

And I’ll have you in stitches...

*Now before you read any further I must stress that CSB uses bad language, adult humour and sexual references a lot. And I mean a LOT! So if you are easily offended then please do not read on... I won’t be held responsible or liable for any adverse reaction you might have!


Disclaimer:
Any advice is not to be taken TOO literally!

Dear CSB & CSNB,

Both my children have moved away to start university and I am beside myself with sadness and grief.

I don't know what to do with myself as looking after them and our home while my husband is at work has been my whole life.

What do I do with my life now and what do you suggest I do to fill my lonely days as I'm at a loss and feel totally useless and not needed?

I await your advice on how to restart my life.

E. Nester


Cross stitch not a bitch

CSNAB

Oh bless you, this must be a very difficult time for you.

I remember how stricken archangel was when we all flew the nest/clouds. You simply must take up some volunteer work. This will provide a dual function in that it’ll give you an enormous sense of well-being and purpose. You could maybe work in a charity shop and meet lots of lovely new people, or perhaps at an animal shelter and all the amazing love you have inside you can be directed towards all of those poor unloved animals.

I really think this will be a blessing in disguise for you and you should embrace the next chapter of your life with open arms.


Cross Stitch BitchCSB

Ok, so the first thing I would do….change the locks so your lazy ungrateful, messy kids won’t be able to keep on returning to bug you for free meals and laundry services (kebab and chip fat stains are a bitch to get out of clothes).

Next thing I would do is to pour myself a nice big glass of wine, sit down, relax and sigh a great big sigh of relief.

YOU ARE FREE.
YOU CAN NOW DO WHATEVER YOU WANT TO.

Think of what it was that used to get your juices flowing before the kids and husband came along (and FYI get rid of the husband too, he sounds like a pleb).

The possibilities are endless:

Pole dancing lessons. (Good for your hand/eye co-ordination and whittling your middle aged waist.)
Tightrope walker. (Good for fine tuning your motor skills – make sure you up your calcium intake though, women of a certain age are prone to osteoporosis and we don’t want your bones to crumble if you take a tumble.)
Street walker? (Earn a bit of spare cash at the same time? Bargain!)

I once had a friend, Beryl who like you was suffering from severe empty nest syndrome when her son, Shaun deserted her to enter into adulthood. One day whilst idly flicking through her husband’s vast collection of “Jugs” magazines she came across an advert entitled “Bored Housewife?” Beryl’s interested was piqued, because, that is exactly what she was.

She read on further and found it was an advert for a telephone sex operator. Beryl very much liked the thought of this. She could still do her ironing with a Silk Cut hanging out of her mouth, muttering “yeah baby, fuck me harder, ooh yeah just like that” all the while never once missing an episode of Coronation Street.

So she bit the bullet and took the plunge, head first into her new vocation. All was going swimmingly and Beryl was loving her new way of filling the time until one day she took a call off a young lad who wanted to “call her mummy” whilst he was waxing his wood. Beryl recognised it as her son Shaun’s voice instantly, she’d heard him wanking many times before through the bedroom wall but this was on another level so from that day on she could never bring herself to do that job again.

Not sure if that cautionary tale has encouraged or inspired you in any way or not but who cares, it’s a good story and you shouldn’t be writing into a problem page to sort your life out anyway. Loser. On the plus side, now the kids have fucked off you won’t need the stitch below.

See you next month Peasants!

csb stitch

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