October 2017

Cross Stitch Bitch

I am the worldwide phenomenon that is Cross Stitch Bitch.

I’m a hot, young, nubile sex bomb who partakes in the genteel, delicate form of artwork that is ‘Cross Stitch’.

Cross Stitch Bitch is my really naughty alter ego; she likes alcohol, partying and inappropriate men, all in copious amounts.

I prefer to remain anonymous as I feel it gives me an enigmatic air of mystery, plus I can be as rude and filthy as I want to be, which is totally NOT what I’m like in real life. I’m very quiet & reserved, shy almost.

And I’ll have you in stitches...

*Now before you read any further I must stress that CSB uses bad language, adult humour and sexual references a lot. And I mean a LOT! So if you are easily offended then please do not read on... I won’t be held responsible or liable for any adverse reaction you might have!


Disclaimer:
Any advice is not to be taken TOO literally!

Dear CSB & CSNB,

My husband has threatened to leave me if I don’t start experimenting in the bedroom.

Please can you help me with some sort of ‘how to’ guide/instruction manual so I can learn some new skills fast?

I will be eternally grateful and hopefully this will save my marriage.

Mrs I S Despo

 


Cross stitch not a bitch

CSNAB

How strange. The problems we get sent to this page never cease to amaze me and how the other half live will be an eternal mystery to me but, you have a problem, and I (for my sins) have committed myself to helping however I can.

Now as far as ‘experimenting in the bedroom’ goes, I can’t say myself that I have ever done it. It’s never appealed to me somehow, but luckily for you, I do know of someone who has done it.

My little cherub-faced, nine year old nephew, Saul. He’s done it hundreds of times and he absolutely LOVES it. So, what I did was get him “My First Science Kit” for Jesus’ birthday. It was simply AMAZING for just £8.00 in Toys R Us he got a bag of water soaking crystals, three test tubes, a pipette, three colour tablets and a bunsen burner!

Now he thinks like a super scientist and spends hour upon hour making all manner of concoctions and experimenting in his bedroom! You can probably get more advanced versions for you and your husband (oooh you could get white coats and goggles and everything). I tell you what - I’d like to see him leave after you pull that out for him!!

I wish the very best of luck to you both 😊


Cross Stitch BitchCSB

Note to the editor: Can I go first with my solutions in future please because the angelic faced tosser up above clearly does not have a clue?! Fucking idiot. Ok, let’s crack on because CSNAB is obviously about as much use as a chocolate teapot so it’s left up to ME to save yet another marriage!

First, you need to compile a shopping list and it should contain the following items:

  • Crotchless knickers (if you can’t find any just cut a hole in a pair of your most scruffy knickers - for what I have in mind it doesn’t really matter, just make sure the hole is big enough to fit his dick through).
  • A large piece of card (approx. 3m x 3m is ideal).
  • A permanent marker.
  • A large wheelbarrow.
  • Rohypnol (you can buy this online).

Next, tell hubby you have something special planned and he’s to drink the lovely wine you have prepared for him (and by prepared I mean - put Rohypnol in).

Just before the Rohypnol hits him hard, plonk him in the wheelbarrow. When he is completely out for the count put the crotchless knickers on him and make sure you pull that cock right through the hole my dear!

Next is the fun part. Get the permanent marker and write on the card “I am a fucking tosser” - prop it in your husband’s hands.

Next, write in huge letters all over his body… dickhead, creep, wanker, loser, minge, dog botherer…whatever you like but make sure they go ALL OVER HIS BODY.

Next and final step, wheel him down the garden path and onto your street (hopefully you live on a main road) and leave him there for the rats or the bin men, whichever get to him first. Because, like most of the women who ask for our help, you have a husband who is a TWAT, so my advice is GET RID. But not before you’ve embarrassed him immensely.

My motto in life is ‘Be nice or fuck off’ and your husband is not nice. He’s a c**t.

Hope that helps. Until next time my friends 😊

 Stitch

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