November 2017

Cross Stitch Bitch

I am the worldwide phenomenon that is Cross Stitch Bitch.

I’m a hot, young, nubile sex bomb who partakes in the genteel, delicate form of artwork that is ‘Cross Stitch’.

Cross Stitch Bitch is my really naughty alter ego; she likes alcohol, partying and inappropriate men, all in copious amounts.

I prefer to remain anonymous as I feel it gives me an enigmatic air of mystery, plus I can be as rude and filthy as I want to be, which is totally NOT what I’m like in real life. I’m very quiet & reserved, shy almost.

And I’ll have you in stitches...

*Now before you read any further I must stress that CSB uses bad language, adult humour and sexual references a lot. And I mean a LOT! So if you are easily offended then please do not read on... I won’t be held responsible or liable for any adverse reaction you might have!


Disclaimer:
Any advice is not to be taken TOO literally!

Dear CSB & CSNB,

Spots are ruining my life!

They have taken over my face and neck and I don’t really know what to do.

I have tried many different creams/masks and all the latest gadgets in the hope that they may banish these unsightly pimples but unfortunately every morning when I look in the mirror - they’re still there.

I no longer want to socialise as I feel people are talking about me.

Please help me. I’m a spotty mess

 

Zena Zits, Coventry

x

 


Cross stitch not a bitch

CSNAB

Aaaah the dreaded devil’s dimples! We’ve all suffered with horrible pimples at some point in our lives and I do sympathise with you because they can be dreadfully painful. But my advice to you is this: stop focussing on how you look on the outside and focus inwards and more on who you are on the inside.

You seem to me to be obsessed with your appearance, you say “every morning when I look in the mirror”. Can I suggest you don’t look in the mirror so much? What you can’t see won’t hurt you! Vanity is a sin you know?!

You also sound very stressed. And it is also a very well-known fact that stress can actually cause those unsightly breakouts, so maybe attend some meditation classes to calm your thoughts? Or even better go to a Prayer Group? You can come to mine if you like and we’ll ‘pray your pimples away’. I think I’ll stitch that one 🙂

Amen x


Cross Stitch BitchCSB

OK, Crater Face, listen up. Most people grow out of spots – unfortunately it looks like you have not, so unlucky for you. You say you have tried most of the conventional pimple treatments but there’s one I bet you haven’t tried yet, so wash the Clearasil off your face and pay attention to what I have to say.

Now, you would be forgiven for looking at me and thinking I have it all. I do actually have it all but there was a point in my life where I had it all AND a face chock full of zits.

Now when I say zits I don’t mean a little whitehead here and there. I mean big motherf**king volcanic boils. The type that looked so angry they were reminiscent of Phil Mitchell’s face when he’s run out of vodka.

Now, even though I looked this way, I did manage to bag myself a very supportive boyfriend who was very sympathetic to my problems. He told me a story that he had heard from one of his mates, Tommy from the gym, which he had heard from his mother’s cousin’s uncle’s friend, which was a remedy for spots that had been passed down through the generations from ye olden days.

First you must prepare the problem area by washing your face thoroughly, removing all traces of grime and makeup. You must then lie down on a suitable surface with your face pointing skyward (I would recommend placing some protective covering over and around your body).

Next, you must get your partner/husband (any man will do though) to ejaculate on your face. Now I know this can seem a bit unorthodox for spot treatment but I swear it really does work. You have to make sure you really rub it in all over your face though, and you must leave it in-situ for at least an hour (your skin will start to feel a bit tight and you may experience some mild tingling in some areas but that just means it’s working).

My boyfriend used to love spreading it all over my face for some reason. I wasn’t complaining because incidentally it turned out to be a really good wrinkle treatment too. I’m actually 70 but I only look 17 due to the copious amounts of spunk I’ve had on my face over the years 🙂

Hope this helps, I promise – you’ll never look back*

*Addendum: I would like to stress this treatment is not suitable for under 16 year olds…for obvious reasons.

So long Stichettes, see you next month!

 Stitch

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