May 2017

Cross Stitch Bitch

I am the worldwide phenomenon that is Cross Stitch Bitch.

I’m a hot, young, nubile sex bomb who partakes in the genteel, delicate form of artwork that is ‘Cross Stitch’.

Cross Stitch Bitch is my really naughty alter ego; she likes alcohol, partying and inappropriate men, all in copious amounts.

I prefer to remain anonymous as I feel it gives me an enigmatic air of mystery, plus I can be as rude and filthy as I want to be, which is totally NOT what I’m like in real life. I’m very quiet & reserved, shy almost.

And I’ll have you in stitches...

*Now before you read any further I must stress that CSB uses bad language, adult humour and sexual references a lot. And I mean a LOT! So if you are easily offended then please do not read on... I won’t be held responsible or liable for any adverse reaction you might have!


Disclaimer:
Any advice is not to be taken TOO literally!

Dear Bitch sisters,

I am in a fairly new relationship and we are ready to take it to the next level - going on holidays together. Although I am excited I am also terrified as we will be in the same room, sharing the same bathroom... I've never been to the toilet when we're in the same building let alone the same room. Help!! How will I manage this and will our relationship survive the holiday?

Any advice on how to get through this will be greatly received.

N.E. Dapoo


Cross stitch not a bitch

CSNAB

Yuck. I refuse to be drawn on this subject, I’ll leave it to the filth bucket below because I’m sure she’ll be able to discuss the matter in great detail.

Although, I highly recommend booking separate rooms. You shouldn’t be sleeping together before wedlock anyway.

Hussy.

 


Cross Stitch BitchCSB

Ha! Yes I can discuss this matter in great detail - the age old Dump Dilemma. We all know it can make or break a relationship, especially one that’s in its infancy where it’s supposed to be all hearts and flowers...not turds and air fresheners.

You should firstly know you are not alone – every single woman (and man) I know has been in your position at one time or another, and thankfully as it’s so common I have lots of solutions for you.

Before we start I need to say that hopefully you have good control of your bowels and are not an IBS sufferer, because frankly, if you are, you’re fucked. There ain’t no hiding that condition on holiday - you might as well just accidently-on-purpose shit the bed before you go just to let him know what he’s in for.

First things first, here is a list of things you need to keep in your holiday bathroom:

  • a box of matches
  • some bubble bath (the expensive kind works the best – I recommend Miss Dior Blooming Bouquet by Christian Dior)
  • some wet wipes (optional).

Now, picture the scene - you awake on the first morning of your holiday to the familiar gurgling of your belly and a curious turtle’s head getting ready to make an appearance out of your bottom. You know what’s coming...so get moving.

Hopefully lover boy will still be asleep, however in the event he is not, just whack the TV up to full volume and tell him you’re off to take a bath.

Now you’re in the bathroom, start running the bath. Next, take layer upon layer of tissue paper and place them in the toilet bowl (I know some resorts say not to put tissue in the toilet but seriously, are they for fucking real? People’s relationships are at stake here for God’s sake! Fuck the drainage system!) DO NOT (repeat NOT) SKIP THIS STEP! This is essential as the tissue will absorb the noise of the first ‘plop’ when it hits the water.

Ok, next you need to liberally add the Miss Dior to the bath water – the more you can afford to waste the better, as it really does cover any unpleasant aromas – I know this as I have a friend who says it’s legit saved her marriage.

Next step, take a shit. Try to relax and more importantly, enjoy yourself. He won’t hear you and he won’t smell you so what’s to worry about?

After you’ve finished, jump in the bath, swill your bits, paying particular attention to your bum hole of course and get back out.

We’re nearly at the finish line now and there’s just a couple more things you need to do.

Strike a match and let it burn for a few seconds – the sulphur in the match works an absolute dream in eliminating any nasty niffs. Just double check the pan for any skid marks around the sides before you go (this is where the wet wipes come in handy). I’ve put them as an optional extra because the need for them all depends on what kind of shitter you are really. ‘The Torpedo’ for example usually disappears straight down the pan, no evidence left behind, ‘The Pebble Dasher’ though – quite a different story.

So there you go – hopefully it helps and in a few years time you’ll be able to look back on these early days of your relationship and chuckle about how concerned you were. You’ll probably be doing this as your partner is trimming his pubes and you’re curling one out whilst chatting to him about your plans for the day ahead

Happy shitting!!

Stitch

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