Just as a horoscope is a short prediction of future events based on the relative positions of the stars and planets at the time of a person’s birth - and we make no judgment if you do or don’t believe. Much...!
So with this in mind, we at emmaheaven.com have decided to consult with the Fashion gods (yes they do really exist) to see what fashion and beauty looks are essential for your star sign every month.
Failure to comply with your ‘fashionscope’ may result in us calling the fashion police to arrest you for a sense of humour failure and inability to take the mick out of yourself and your wardrobe!
Fashion and beauty should be fun - life’s way too short, so let’s get a grip and don’t take it - or ourselves - too seriously!
Culottes - a creative project or secret love affair? You’re not quite sure - and to be totally honest, neither are we. They’re darn tricky things to wear! You see them wafting down the runway teamed with fabulous flatforms - and you try to replicate the look - only to end up looking like a college professor! Persevere my lovelies - persevere. It takes time, patience, lots of co-ordinating, experimenting and mini tantrums to find that magic formula, which will elevate you from frumpy to simply fabulous. Obstacles are put in your way to see if what you want is really worth fighting for - and you really need to fight for culottes!
The spotlight is on Mother’s Day this month, with retailers encouraging us to be extravagant when gifting our mothers. With this in mind, we strongly advise you NOT to buy presents that can be worn, as this presents a minefield of problems! Fashion is personal and even if you buy mum with the best intentions possible - a beautiful scarf - she may interpret the gesture all wrong by thinking it’s a headscarf and that you’ve already pensioned her off and reserved her place in a nursing home! Also avoid anything where you may have to guess her size. Again - you may be well-meaning - but this could prove fatal to the mother/daughter relationship. Our advice - chocolates and flowers are acceptable - or if you want to be original and/or offend, visit Cross Stitch Bitch! Or her more saintly sister, Cross Stitch Not A Bitch!
Your obsession with shoes is going to slow down your cash flow this month, with those clever retailers seducing you with their new summer ranges. You start to feel all Cinderella-like - excited and nervous at the thought of gently easing those tootsies into an array of delicious footwear - sexy sandals - demure peep toes - jewelled flatforms - Oh the endorphins really start to kick in as you visualise your feet, encased in the latest Jimmy Choo’s - all strappy and seductive whilst showcasing a magnificent pedi! As you snap out of your daydream to the sound of a rumbling tummy - it’s a painful reminder that just maybe you might have to go hungry this month. Careful you don’t put your foot in your mouth while you Choo’s between ‘eat or feet’!
It would be a pity if you allowed your imagination to run away with you when shopping for new accessories. We know that when you peer into that beautifully lit display cabinet - crammed full of glitzy and sparkly eye popping pieces - your blood pressure goes through the roof - your pupils dilate and your heart skips a beat. That magical, dreamy feeling descends as you run the risk of OD’ing on bling - but please step away from the counter (temporarily) - take a deep breath and gather your thoughts. Engage the brain and shop sensibly. You don’t need everything in the range - just select a few key pieces which you can alternate. You don’t want people reaching for their sunglasses sweetie!
Your life’s in need of a good shake up and nothing beats a ‘new look - new you’ hair reinvention. Be bold! Be daring! But don’t be daft! We’re all for experimenting with different hairstyles - but don’t go too radical! If you go full on from lustrous-locks Rapunzel to that shaven maven Sigourney Weaver (the Alien 3 era) - then you really are asking for the shock of your life and quite possibly a cardiac arrest! Also we advise caution when trying out a different colour. When going from Morticia Addams’ raven black to Marilyn Monroe’s platinum bombshell blonde - you do run the risk of your hair falling out - and as already mentioned - the bald look isn’t for everyone - or worse still, you could end up with patches, desperately learning how to do a Donald Trump comb over! When changing your look sweetie - always consult a professional.
A rethink regarding the outfit you have planned for a big night out is always always essential! It has to be perfect and appropriate for the occasion. After all, you want people to be talking about you for the right reasons not the wrong ones! For example - you do want to hear ”You look fabulous” and ask, “Where did you buy ‘X’ from - you must take me shopping with you.” What you don’t want to hear is “What does she look like?” or “Who has she come as?” Or that soul destroying ‘“Mutton dressed a lamb!” Just remember - put your ‘knockers’ away (even if they are fabulous - we don’t need to see quite so much of them!) - and stop flashing ALL the flesh in one go! There are some things best left for your partner’s eyes only. Or your doctor’s!
This month is all about learning from past fashion fails. And let’s face it - we’ve all had them. But do not despair - they are what we fondly refer to as a ‘learning curve’ or ‘my experimental phase’. But let’s not kid ourselves - the blue curly perm hair made us look like the Cookie Monster and that overgrown, psychedelic shaggy coat was reminiscent of several different Sesame Street characters! No-one dare mention Big Bird! And what were we thinking when we wore the lacy cravat shirts?! Only Adam Ant could pull that look off and not look ridiculous! But you live and learn. Hopefully with age comes confidence and knowledge that what’s in fashion isn’t necessarily right for you.
You’ve recently upped your purchases of gym attire as there are some fabulous designs out there. Neon ones - which definitely fit in with your renewed appreciation for the 80’s. Sparkly ones - which bring out your inner princess. Even the plain black ones help you feel classy - sophisticated even. But ladies, remember this - a gym kit is for wearing while you train and is not to be worn so you can waft about looking good - nor is it a cunning disguise to fool people into thinking you are about to embark on a heavy weights session! That’s dishonest and very naughty! And you’re only fooling yourself.
As the fog lifts - you can see clearly for the first time in months - and the sight is simply terrifying! All around you are ads for summer beach holidays and excited friends showing off their latest swimwear purchases. Realisation hits that you’re still in winter hibernation mode - chowing down on comfort food and lots of pudding, washed down with copious amounts of prosecco! It’s time to get off the sofa - get that butt into action - hit the gym - overhaul the diet AND start looking for that exotic holiday destination. And if all that fails - book a city trip to Amsterdam. You’ll be covered up and everyone will be on the ‘wacky backy’!!
Did you forget about all the secret online shopping you did recently? And that your significant other was taking a few weeks off work? meaning that they would be home when it’s all delivered! Fear not. We, the Fashion Gods, have some great solutions to this potentially, disastrous dilemma. You have a choice of three ingenious solutions. 1.You have started the Christmas shopping early and this box contains some really special gifts you couldn’t possibly run the risk of not being able to get closer to the time! 2. You have started bulk buying feminine hygiene products! 3.Your mum/dad has recently had a little windfall and wanted to treat you - so you gently steered them in the direction of your Net A Porter wish list!
Don’t let yourself dwell on how wonderful those models looked on the runways at the Fashion Weeks. It’s not as glamorous as it looks! Imagine the discipline required in the run up to the shows - watching what you eat and drink - living in the gym, day and night - making sure that your face and body is in tip top condition. Then you have to walk in heels and in restrictive and sometimes uncomfortable clothing, while hundreds of cameras are pointed at you. And what happens when they fall on their arse?! At least when that happens to you while out partying - hopefully only friends and family witness your shame. Unless somebody uploads it to social media! And that sweetie is a whole other ball game!!!
Trust your intuition and common sense if you come across any clothes constructed of PVC whilst out shopping for a new outfit. We know you’re all revved up since the latest instalment of 50 Shades dropped. But really darlings - it’s not a good look - and it’s simply not practical. They’re hard to get on - remember the talc incident with Ross from Friends? The material doesn’t have much ‘give’, so eating a big meal would be out of the question. AND they make weird noises as you move - you don’t want anyone to think that that noise could possibly be escaping from places it ought not to be escaping from!