March 2017

Cross Stitch Bitch

I am the worldwide phenomenon that is Cross Stitch Bitch.

I’m a hot, young, nubile sex bomb who partakes in the genteel, delicate form of artwork that is ‘Cross Stitch’.

Cross Stitch Bitch is my really naughty alter ego; she likes alcohol, partying and inappropriate men, all in copious amounts.

I prefer to remain anonymous as I feel it gives me an enigmatic air of mystery, plus I can be as rude and filthy as I want to be, which is totally NOT what I’m like in real life. I’m very quiet & reserved, shy almost.

And I’ll have you in stitches...

*Now before you read any further I must stress that CSB uses bad language, adult humour and sexual references a lot. And I mean a LOT! So if you are easily offended then please do not read on... I won’t be held responsible or liable for any adverse reaction you might have!


Disclaimer:
Any advice is not to be taken TOO literally!

Dear CSNAB/CSB

I could really do with your advice as Mother's Day approaches. I always buy the cards and presents for both mine and my husband’s mums. Now I have no problem buying for my own mum as she is truly wonderful, but his mother is - how can put this politely? - the mother-in-law from Hell! I hate having to buy for the M.I.L. but I don't want to cause WW3 with my husband. Please help me!

M.I.L. Hater


Cross stitch not a bitch

CSNAB

Goodness me, what a thing to say! Mother-in-law from Hell?? I think you need to have a good think about what you are saying. Do you realise how hard the job of mother-in-law is? Not only has this poor lady to all intents and purposes *lost* her son who has been the apple of her eye since she carried him in her womb, it looks like she’s inherited a - forgive me for saying this Lord - real piece of work as a daughter-in-law. I really hope that if you have innocent children around that you do not speak negatively and project your nasty views about their grandmother onto them!

If I can be frank I would like to tell you to grow up and embrace the mother-in-law with open arms and love.

Your life will be much happier for it and so will your poor mother-in-law’s.

 


Cross Stitch BitchCSB

Oh shut up CSNAB – you’ve got to be different haven’t you – you must be the only bloody person in the world who likes mother-in-laws! Twat!

Listen, M.I.L. Hater, I really can sympathise with your predicament because I have a friend who has a mother-in-law who is also a c**t. In fact, I made her a stitch once (see below). She is so vile to her, makes fun of her clothes, tells her she looks fat and to top it all buys her the worst kind of shit for her birthdays and Christmas. But what can you do? You’re in a very tricky situation because upset the M.I.L. then you ultimately upset your husband; so my advice would be this. Kill her. LOL only joking! (it would be nice though eh?).

She obviously hates you otherwise she’d be nicer to you and whatever you do will be wrong, so save yourself a huge headache and your husband the heartache and buy your wonderful mum and the horrible twat exactly the same things, cards and presents. Kill the c**t with kindness. That way hubby will think ‘awww the Mrs is really making an effort with the Battleaxe’ and the Battleaxe will probably think ‘hmph what a pile of rubbish....but at least her mum had the same as me’.

You in turn can save yourself hours of fruitless shopping and spend all the extra time drinking alcohol and fashioning a voodoo doll of her.

I’ve always thought that mother-in-laws harbour such hatred for daughter-in-laws because they secretly want to be the one sleeping with the son. Why else would they insist on doing grown men’s laundry if not to lovingly sniff their soiled underwear. They’re weird. Or maybe I’m weird for thinking it. Who cares? At the end of the day M.I.L’s are generally c**ts and I am not - so once again I win at life.

And if it makes you feel any better remember – you will be in charge of choosing her nursing home. It won’t hurt to remind her of that now and again. Or daily. Whichever you prefer.

Ta ta for now Stitchettes! See you next month – we’ll be back as regular (but not as painful) as your period!

March stitch

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