July 2017

Cross Stitch Bitch

I am the worldwide phenomenon that is Cross Stitch Bitch.

I’m a hot, young, nubile sex bomb who partakes in the genteel, delicate form of artwork that is ‘Cross Stitch’.

Cross Stitch Bitch is my really naughty alter ego; she likes alcohol, partying and inappropriate men, all in copious amounts.

I prefer to remain anonymous as I feel it gives me an enigmatic air of mystery, plus I can be as rude and filthy as I want to be, which is totally NOT what I’m like in real life. I’m very quiet & reserved, shy almost.

And I’ll have you in stitches...

*Now before you read any further I must stress that CSB uses bad language, adult humour and sexual references a lot. And I mean a LOT! So if you are easily offended then please do not read on... I won’t be held responsible or liable for any adverse reaction you might have!


Disclaimer:
Any advice is not to be taken TOO literally!

Dear CSB & CSNB,

I was watching Jeremy Kyle recently and the topic was 'mam's secret love child' and ever since seeing this I am totally convinced that my dad isn't my biological dad.

I look nothing like my dad or my siblings. They are all dark haired, olive skinned and short, while I'm almost a six foot, pale skinned blonde!!

I've also worked out that around the time I was conceived, dad was working away a lot on the rigs and mam had taken a part-time job in Stringfellows.

What do I do? Do I confront them?
Please, please help me.

J. Kyle-Fan

 


Cross stitch not a bitch

CSNAB

Oh dear, this must be very traumatic for you, I hope you’re ok.

I don’t think you should do anything rash and go around throwing out wild accusations. What does it matter if he isn’t your biological dad? He’s obviously brought you up and loves you very much. And what does it matter that while he was working on the rigs your mum was working in a string factory? Do you think she had an affair with another factory worker there?

I’m not sure who Jeremy Kyle is but it sounds like he might be better equipped to deal with your problem than we are… Maybe you should give him a call for a second opinion?

Hope everything works out for you.


Cross Stitch BitchCSB

First of all we need to check if she has teeth, because we all know Jeremy Kyle only helps people if they have no teeth (and no, CSNAB, he’s not a dentist). And besides that he’s a wanker so take advice off me instead!

Obviously you need to put your mind at rest and find out if this is true before you say a word to anyone. DNA tests are readily available in Poundland these days and only when you get the results can you act on this as it will destroy your family, so don’t be selfish and get your facts straight first.

If it turns out that your dad is not in fact your dad I would still be reluctant to say anything to anyone in your immediate family but I would definitely make sure you make a concerted effort to find out who your real father is because I have a friend who was in a similar situation to you and it ended quite badly.

Sarah had been going out with her boyfriend for five years when she found out her father wasn’t actually her father and her mother had been having an affair with her tennis instructor at the same time she was conceived.

Obviously this was very traumatic for Sarah… But not as traumatic as when she clicked that her boyfriend’s father was also a tennis instructor. Her boyfriend - who she had always found attractive based on the fact he looked quite similar to her (narcissist) - turned out to be her half brother. Luckily this all came to light before they procreated and made mutant babies.

So let that be a lesson to you - if only for the fact that there are enough ugly babies in the world without you adding to it with your incestuous offspring.

Hope that helps - I’m off to Poundland!

Actual stitch Sarah's biological tennis instructor father sent her:

Stitch photo

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