January 2017

Cross Stitch Bitch

I am the worldwide phenomenon that is Cross Stitch Bitch.

I’m a hot, young, nubile sex bomb who partakes in the genteel, delicate form of artwork that is ‘Cross Stitch’.

Cross Stitch Bitch is my really naughty alter ego; she likes alcohol, partying and inappropriate men, all in copious amounts.

I prefer to remain anonymous as I feel it gives me an enigmatic air of mystery, plus I can be as rude and filthy as I want to be, which is totally NOT what I’m like in real life. I’m very quiet & reserved, shy almost.

And I’ll have you in stitches...

*Now before you read any further I must stress that CSB uses bad language, adult humour and sexual references a lot. And I mean a LOT! So if you are easily offended then please do not read on... I won’t be held responsible or liable for any adverse reaction you might have!


Another inbox full of problems for us to solve this month – so we’ve picked the most popular topic which was ‘New Year’s Resolutions’.

It’s nice to see our problem-solving skills are sought after but I’ll just insert a little disclaimer here as I think one reader took my advice a little too literally last month, (if you’ve seen the video of an office worker caught ‘in flagrante’ in the toilets at her office party then you’ll know what I mean).

Disclaimer:
Any advice is not to be taken TOO literally!

Dear CSNAB/CSB

Every January I set myself the same New Year’s resolutions and every year I fail – can you give me some tips on how I can stick to them this year?
All I want is to be a thin, teetotaller and a non-smoker. HELP!

M. Fin-Top
Smoky Town


Cross stitch not a bitch

I love New Year’s resolutions, they present a wonderful opportunity for us to better ourselves. This year my resolution is to become a better harp player, although I am already incredibly good at it, like most things in life, my skills can always be improved upon.

I must admit your vices do present me with a bit of a problem as I’ve never been fat, I’ve never been an alcoholic and I’ve certainly never smoked. I can’t begin to think how unhealthy you are and to be quite honest I’m finding it difficult to empathise with you.

Have you ever thought about joining a gym? That helps apparently so just pick up a membership, get some new gym wear and get going. Easy!

As for drinking – just don’t go into any bars. Simple.

And as for the smoking – yuck. Have you ever thought about vaping? I don’t know much about it apart from the plumes of smoke they give off are remarkably reminiscent of the pearly gates of Heaven, so that can only be a good thing.

Good luck, and please let us know how you get off.

CSNAB

I don’t know if you’re keeping score but CSB and I are keeping a record of whose advice is more successful. I can’t help thinking that if the lady who presented last month’s problem had taken more notice of my advice and not CSB’s then there wouldn’t be a very inappropriate video going around social media of a sexual act taking place in a toilet at an office party.
Oops - CSNAB 1 CSB 0.


Cross Stitch BitchFuck off you bore. I was waiting for you to bring that up – ok I may have encouraged her to enjoy herself at her Christmas party but I didn’t tell her to get her flaps filmed whilst doing it! Schoolboy error love!

Anyway back to the task in hand, so hey M. Fin-Top, step away from the Quality Street and listen up – if you’re trying to stop eating, drinking AND smoking in one fell swoop no wonder you’re failing!!

If you really want to pursue the dreaded ‘New Year New Me’ bullshit then go ahead but me, personally, I think it’s an absolute load of rubbish.

Do you REALLY want to be thin and healthy? Ask yourself why? Have you ever seen a happy thin person? I haven’t - they’re almost always miserable – usually because they’re fucking starving and dreaming about muffing out a chocolate eclair.

And as I’ve said before – I can’t believe anyone would want to give up drinking – not really. You know why? Because drinking is really FUN. Drinking makes people FUN. Granted, liver cirrhosis is not FUN – so don’t go overboard you know? Everything in moderation I say - enjoy a donut – just not at every meal. Enjoy a drink – just not every half hour.

I will admit though (and this doesn’t happen very often), I do agree with old Tedious Tits up above on the smoking issue. It does look cool as fuck I’ll give you that (for example Sandy at the end of Grease – she fucking rocks a Marlboro), but that’s about it I’m afraid. So my advice is stay fat and drunk but give up the dreaded tar. Then if you succeed with that maybe try one of the other two....just don’t wait until January to do it with all the other bandwagon-jumping twats.

Hope this helps Chubbs!

Stitch

And to the rest of you – keep the problems coming, you won’t get this kind of advice anywhere else that’s for sure.
Send them to This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.

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