February 2017

Cross Stitch Bitch

I am the worldwide phenomenon that is Cross Stitch Bitch.

I’m a hot, young, nubile sex bomb who partakes in the genteel, delicate form of artwork that is ‘Cross Stitch’.

Cross Stitch Bitch is my really naughty alter ego; she likes alcohol, partying and inappropriate men, all in copious amounts.

I prefer to remain anonymous as I feel it gives me an enigmatic air of mystery, plus I can be as rude and filthy as I want to be, which is totally NOT what I’m like in real life. I’m very quiet & reserved, shy almost.

And I’ll have you in stitches...

*Now before you read any further I must stress that CSB uses bad language, adult humour and sexual references a lot. And I mean a LOT! So if you are easily offended then please do not read on... I won’t be held responsible or liable for any adverse reaction you might have!


Disclaimer:
Any advice is not to be taken TOO literally!

Dear CSNAB/CSB

I’ve recently met a gorgeous man, hysterically funny, charismatic and in bed his sexual techniques are a gift from the gods. I’m really keen on him but there is one problem... he has a huge penis. We’re talking at least nine inches and I don’t know if I can cope with it... please help!

Ms T. Rotter
LW1 A69


Cross stitch not a bitch

CSNAB

Oh dear – as with most of the problems that come to me via this page for solving I can’t really identify with this one. I can only imagine it’s a little bit like the time I accidently hoovered my pet snake, Sammy, up the vacuum cleaner. His head slid in very easily indeed but once he got sucked in a little farther he got his little head stuck and it turned red and started swelling! It was so scary but I managed to switch the hoover off just in time, which released the suction and thankfully I was able to retrieve Sammy with no lasting damage to his poor little head. I will say though that the hoover pipes did show visible signs of wear and tear and even some fissures around the entry point.

Alas, you aren’t able to switch yourself off at the mains so the best and most meaningful advice I can give to you is to abstain from all intimate acts and opt for companionship instead. St Valentine’s Day is just around the corner remember so what better time to embrace romance and forget all about fornication :)


Cross Stitch BitchCSB

Forgive me Ms T. Rotter but you seem to have missed the point of this page – this is for problems that require solving and I cannot see a problem, and I have looked. Hard. But I cannot see one. Maybe it’s a case of not being able to see the wood for the trees, I don’t know, all I know is nine inches is not a problem but it is certainly a hell of a length. Now, I’m assuming you’ve tried a number of different sexual positions? Even those of us with access to average size penises know that some hurt more than others, so I’ll start off with some practical advice:

 

Missionary (yes)
Doggy style (no)
Reverse cowgirl (definitely no)
Oral (yes but only receive it - do NOT give – nine inch lock jaw problems, ouch!)

I would also recommend yoga – give yourself a good old stretch before a sesh in the sack. It really is amazing how much wider you can make yourself when you try. As an international drug smuggler once told me, if you can get a baby out of it, then imagine what you can fit in it. The vagina is basically to the human body what Mary Poppins’ handbag was to her. Come to think of it I’m always looking for somewhere handy to pop my keys when I go for a jog, that’ll do lovely! Jingle jangle!

If you take on board my advice I think you’ll find that in no time at all you will be able to accommodate your lovely new partner with ease, and before long he will be saying that entering you is akin to throwing a sausage down the motorway.

Stitch

Have a wonderful month and don’t forget, if you’ve got a problem then we’ll solve it!
Send them to This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.

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