December 2017

Cross Stitch Bitch

I am the worldwide phenomenon that is Cross Stitch Bitch.

I’m a hot, young, nubile sex bomb who partakes in the genteel, delicate form of artwork that is ‘Cross Stitch’.

Cross Stitch Bitch is my really naughty alter ego; she likes alcohol, partying and inappropriate men, all in copious amounts.

I prefer to remain anonymous as I feel it gives me an enigmatic air of mystery, plus I can be as rude and filthy as I want to be, which is totally NOT what I’m like in real life. I’m very quiet & reserved, shy almost.

And I’ll have you in stitches...

*Now before you read any further I must stress that CSB uses bad language, adult humour and sexual references a lot. And I mean a LOT! So if you are easily offended then please do not read on... I won’t be held responsible or liable for any adverse reaction you might have!


Disclaimer:
Any advice is not to be taken TOO literally!

Dear CSB & CSNB,

It’s that time of year when I have to psych myself up to open my present off my husband on Christmas morning whilst trying to look thrilled with yet another pair of flannel pyjamas.

I have tried subtle hints about what I would love to wake up to on Christmas morning but he never seems to get them!

I don’t want to upset him or seem ungrateful but I think one more pair might just push me over the edge.

Please advise as to how I should proceed?
xxxxxxxx


Cross stitch not a bitch

CSNAB

Aww bless you, I can see how much this is upsetting you and how considerate you are of your husband’s feelings.

Can I suggest something (and please don't think me too forward) but have you ever thought about not exchanging gifts at all?

I mean, everyone seems to forget about the true meaning of Christmas by getting wrapped up (pardon the pun) in all of the mass consumerism that is plaguing the celebration.

I think you'd both feel the benefit of foregoing gifts and also it would completely eliminate this problem you have of getting yet another pair of pyjamas.

Don't buy a thing and instead go to a lovely Midnight Mass, pray to the Lord above and celebrate the birth of Jesus Christ, Our Saviour, Amen.

 


Cross Stitch BitchCSB

Midnight Mass be fucked! Last time I attempted that I spewed mulled wine all over the head of a choirboy! I'm banned for life so will never be going there and I suggest that you don't either! Terrible idea!!!

 

What is also a terrible idea is NOT exchanging gifts! I mean, why should you have to suffer because your husband has no imagination, no originality and probably doesn't love you (how can he if he keeps buying you shitty PJ's every year?!)

However, if you are intent on staying with him - you may have noticed my best advice for every problem is 'leave him' and yes, most of the problems are caused by men. Funny that… - then I may have just the solution for you.

Now I have a very lovely friend called Jennifer. Jennifer was very fed up that after many long and testing years with her husband he kept on buying her really shit presents: an engraved lighter when she didn't smoke; a personalised number plate when she couldn't drive; a pair of shoes when she only had one foot (you get my drift). So one day she was out shopping and she saw a divine handbag, 'if only hubby had a bit of sense' she thought. She then noticed a 20% sale in the store, she hastily bought the bag, the offer was too good to miss! She then began to hatch a cunning plan.

Jennifer took the bag to her sister, she told her 'when you next see hubby tell him that I really liked this handbag I saw, THEN you offer that if he gives you the money you can pick it up for him so he can give it to me for Christmas. This worked like a charm! All hubby had to do was cough up the cash and wrap the gift. Now every year Jennifer buys her own present, tells her sister to get the money off her hubs. Jennifer is happy and Hubby thinks he's amazing. Everyone's a winner!

Well would you look at that? I think I may have actually given a sensible *helpful* answer for once. I must be overcome with Christmas fucking cheer or something. Either that or delirious from the relentless amount of stitching I've been doing this Yule!!

Merry Christmas and a fucked up New Year Stitchettes,

I'm off for a very well earned break and I'd appreciate it if everyone left me the fuck alone until 2018.

Love you more than swearing!

MWAH
xxxx

 Stitch

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