Just as a horoscope is a short prediction of future events based on the relative positions of the stars and planets at the time of a person’s birth - and we make no judgment if you do or don’t believe. Much...!
So with this in mind, we at emmaheaven.com have decided to consult with the Fashion gods (yes they do really exist) to see what fashion and beauty looks are essential for your star sign every month.
Failure to comply with your ‘fashionscope’ may result in us calling the fashion police to arrest you for a sense of humour failure and inability to take the mick out of yourself and your wardrobe!
Fashion and beauty should be fun - life’s way too short, so let’s get a grip and don’t take it - or ourselves - too seriously!
Friends are unsympathetic when you bawl your eyes out and have a tantrum of epic proportions after discovering the amazing capsule wardrobe you bought for an upcoming girlie weekend simply doesn’t fit - in fact - you can’t even get the trousers halfway up your legs, let alone all the way to the top! You were warned time and time again as you knocked back the prosecco like it was going out of fashion and you were oh-so nonchalant in your ”I’ve plenty of time to get this weight off” approach. So dry those ever so slightly bloodshot eyes - raid your wardrobe for some classic pieces and wear them with some fabulous accessories darling! Accessories ALWAYS fit! And remember that good intentions and common sense go out of the window whilst under the influence of prosecco! Please drink and accessorise responsibly...
Domestic chores look likely to be creating big problems for you this month as they sneak up behind you when you least expect or want them to! The laundry basket still hasn’t found its way to the washing machine; the ironing pile now rivals Mount Etna in dimensions, about to erupt all over your spare room; in fact you could actually charge it rent as it’s taking up so much space! Even Fergie and her forever-holidaying princesses were spotted skiing on its lower slopes… And the bathroom mirror is covered in a month’s worth of hair spray - but that’s no bad thing sweetie - you look like your filtered Instagram photos every time you look in it! Happy Days! Just get on top of that laundry though - no one wants to hit the town with a scruffy, smelly friend. Not even a squirt of Febreze or a quick swipe with a wet wipe will save you!
Trying to live up to a family ideal is exhausting and quite frankly it’s starting to get you down. They simply don’t understand that you were born to be a fashionista and that you have a burning desire, needing to try out every trend that comes along. Ok - granted some of them have been a little hair-raising - and you’ll never forget your parents pretending not to know you during your ‘punk phase’ - but this is just you expressing yourself like only you know how. If you feel the need to dress in a tutu and neon Dr Marten boots then that’s your prerogative and they’ll just have to live with it! And if the worst comes to the worst and they refuse to be seen with you in public - divorce them! You just don’t need that kind of negativity in your life sweetie!
#ItsCalledFashion #LookItUp #TooPunkToFunk
You’re starting to doubt your abilities in creating an outfit that screams “I just threw this together and don’t I look amazing!?” You used to be able to do it so effortlessly - but now - after years of friends and family hailing your fashion credentials - you have hit a brick wall. You’re overthinking things as you try to meticulously put together that dream combination - but it simply evades you for now and coming across as a little ‘trying too hard’. The Fashion gods are telling you to step away from the wardrobe and take a time out. Stop looking in magazines for inspiration and live like a hermit - preferably in a really comfy and slightly grungy lounge suit. We all have one of those darling and we’ve all been there. Crying over the latest edition of Vogue whilst spilling prosecco and bits of cupcake all over its glossy pages. You will appall yourself so much that your fashion sense will return with gusto in no time at all. Embrace your inner beast, rediscover your inner and outer beauty. Trust us! We know what we’re talking about!
Easter is a time of year you love and dread in equal measures. You love it because you can indulge yourself with tasty hot cross buns and lose yourself in a chocolate egg coma; but then comes the dreaded aftermath! Your waist suddenly expands faster than the speed of light - you feel sluggish and disgusted with yourself - and your skin has lost its sparkle - not to mention the dozen or so mini eggs you’ll be fishing out of the sides of the sofa for the next few weeks. And you just know that instead of doing the sensible thing and putting them in the bin - those mini eggs are going straight down the hatch (geddit?!) - #CatchHatchAndDespatch - say hello, wave goodbye, and down you go you delicious chocolatey morsels! Yes the thought of that disgusts you - but let’s not kid yourself - there’s no way are you wasting one of those delectable delights.#DietStartsNextWeek #Honest #CantMakeAnOmeletteWithoutBreakingEggs
A work situation has become difficult - and potentially quite embarrassing. The new girl in the office is trying to mould herself in your image. It was all quite innocent and flattering when she first started to do her makeup the same way as you - gosh, you weren’t really that fazed when she had hair extensions and started styling them the same. No - the moment you nearly lost it was when you strutted into work in an outfit to die for; and to your total and utter shock, you realised you weren’t in front of a mirror but standing in front of her with the exact same outfit on! #PassTheGinYoureNotMyTwin! Well enough is enough sweetie - you’ve either got to nip it in the bud before she goes all Single White Female on you or start looking for another job!
No matter what the weather is doing - you need to be prepared for all eventualities. Brownies motto: ‘Better to be prepared than not’. April is a strange month weather-wise; in the past we’ve even been hit with all four seasons in one day. So - have that brolly on standby in case the heavens decide to open and rain on your parade. Layer your clothes so if it gets too hot you can remove them one by one. Take a jacket, as there’s nothing worse than walking home after a raucous night of partying, and you start shivering, looking a lot worse for wear. And whatever you do - don’t forget the snow boots! Well you never know, do you? It has been known to snow in April and you really don’t want to be caught out.
A friend will ask you to accompany them on an all important shopping trip - the dreaded bridesmaid dress shopping trip. And nothing brings out the fear more than shopping for bridesmaid dresses! You don’t even want to be a bridesmaid if you’re being totally honest, let alone end up wearing some hideous creation which makes you look like a giant meringue. AND, to add insult to injury - you have to pay for this awful creation that’ll you’ll never be able to wear again. Just remember - suck it up - karma’s a bitch! And the Fashion gods suggest that once the wedding is over - with some fake blood and strategically placed slashes - it will make a great Halloween costume!
If and when things start going wrong in the clothes department, don’t bury your head in the sand - come out fighting like the true fashionista you are! Unfortunately, and inevitably, even the most confident fashionista will lose her oopmh occasionally and wear what can only be termed as a disastrous outfit choice. #FrockShock. Style it out sweetie - after all - you were experimenting with some new looks and trends; and console yourself in the knowledge that had you pulled it off - what a fashion triumph it would have been. And you would’ve been quite smug knowing that your look would’ve been replicated by everyone! So back to the drawing board and better luck next time!
The reasons you are not making progress on your mission to smash your weight loss goals and why ‘Operation Bikini’ are failing: Number 1. You need to step away from the fridge/cupboard or anything that contains food or drink! Just because it’s there doesn’t mean you have to trough it! As a P.S. stop buying it! Just because it’s on offer in the supermarket doesn’t justify you putting it in your trolley! #FalseEconomy. Number 2. The gym is not your enemy, so stop being hostile towards it. It doesn’t care whether you use it or not and, it won’t take offence if you don’t want to beat up its equipment. Stop avoiding it and become friends. When you both work together in harmony you can create magic and see those inches disappear faster than you can say Abracadabra!.
The good news: summer is well and truly on its way. The bad news? you have been ever so slightly lazy and greedy over the winter months; your body is nowhere near ready for exposure - unfortunately there’s only so much Spanx can do - and only so much you can wear them with! As you ponder this awful dilemma an idea springs to mind. Your genius inner designer comes to the forefront with ideas such as: Spanx to fit under bikinis, sarongs and shorts, maybe even invisible Spanx! You’re having a ‘eureka’ moment - the excitement is palpable. You may have just come up with the idea of the century! Do you call Dragon’s Den or do you just face reality and get back on the healthy living regime? #ThanksButNoThanksSpanx
You have been pushing yourself to the limit in all areas of your life. If you exercise any more, you may reach burnout. All that clean eating and ‘no treats’ are making you miserable. It’s time to ease up, slow down and begin to enjoy life again - regain that fun personality. You have become one of those ‘clean’ living gym bunny bores, who only ever want to discuss their latest healthy homemade granola recipe or their new weight lifting regime. (Yawn!) You need to inject a bit of fashion, beauty, fun and gossip back into your life. And as for your ‘No Prosecco’ rule - well that’s just criminal! Remember - everything in moderation. Just don’t go overboard and start putting vodka in your water bottle!