September 2016

Cross Stitch Bitch

I am the worldwide phenomenon that is Cross Stitch Bitch.

I’m a hot, young, nubile sex bomb who partakes in the genteel, delicate form of artwork that is ‘Cross Stitch’.

Cross Stitch Bitch is my really naughty alter ego; she likes alcohol, partying and inappropriate men, all in copious amounts.

I prefer to remain anonymous as I feel it gives me an enigmatic air of mystery, plus I can be as rude and filthy as I want to be, which is totally NOT what I’m like in real life. I’m very quiet & reserved, shy almost.

And I’ll have you in stitches...

Cross Stitch Bitch

*Now before you read any further I must stress that CSB uses bad language, adult humour and sexual references a lot. And I mean a LOT! So if you are easily offended then please do not read on... I won’t be held responsible or liable for any adverse reaction you might have!

The Secret Diary of the Cross Stitch Bitch Aged*

*Mind your own fucking business!!!

Shit the bed it’s September! How did that happen? Only feels like yesterday the maids were a-milking and the swans were a-swimming so it’ll be Christmas again soon enough but I’ll wait until next month to talk about that (just because I love it so much and red is so OBVIOUSLY my colour).

Now, what does September mean to you?

  • Does it mean the return of gingerbread lattes, crisp autumn walks and snuggly jumpers?
  • Is it joy that you can stop shaving your legs and encase them in 100 denier opaque tights until next summer?
  • Or does it mean this... ? Back to school, which in turn means... yep, back to school photos of children in their school uniform, polluting the eyes and clogging up your newsfeeds on Facebook?

Now I am not a child hater per se. I like some children – preferably ones that don’t make a noise and irritate me. But surely this mass saturation of back to school propaganda is a little much?

I dare not express this in real life, as I did it just the once and the Mumsnet brigade were outraged. Anybody would swear I had admitted to being best friends with Beverly Allit. So now I suffer in silence... I usually throw one or two ‘likes’ out there at random and sometimes even an ‘aww cutie’ only so I’m not lynched. But that doesn’t change my basic opinion which is that kids are fundamentally little knobs. I’m sure you all agree and I bet you even think it about your own sometimes.

So, as you may have seen I am this month’s feature in the magazine. I was interviewed about ‘all things cross stitch’ by Emma whilst being attacked by a particularly ferocious wanker of a wasp. And, as always she was trying to censor me but if we’ve learnt anything by now it’s that I simply can’t be censored and there were a number of answers I gave to her questions to which she replied “I am NOT including that”.

WELL unlucky Ems because this is MY column and you’ve always said I can say what I want here (apart from the ‘C word’ – no, no, it’s not CULT) so I can include them here. And much to my chagrin my twatty alter ego Cross Stitch Not A Bitch’s last column was amazingly really popular. So with that in mind I’ve invited her back to get in on the act but for one month only, and that’s only because it’s Christmas soon and people will want clean festive stitches (not ‘Happy Birthday Jesus, you massive wanker’ as someone suggested I should do).

 

Cross stitch not a bitch

Main photo

How do you prepare for a night of stitching? I put all of my adopted cherubs to bed (I’m a virgin you see), pour myself a glass of milk, put on some harp music and get to work. I put on my anti-arthritis gloves, pour myself a glass of Jack, kick fuck out of the cat and get stitching.
What is your favourite sexual position? I’m a virgin. Reverse cowgirl.
Sadly I don’t get sex that often these days so I tend to practice on next door’s dog. “Giddyup Bono.”
Do you have any hidden talents I can play harp. I can play with myself.
Earliest childhood memory? Singing in the church choir. Burning ants through a magnifying glass.
Favourite food Communion wafers. I only eat liver. With some fava beans and a nice bottle of Chianti.
To lube or not to lube? I sometimes lubricate the strings of my harp with WD40? I don’t tend to use it – only because of the thrush implications.
If your house was on fire what would be the one thing you’d save? My signed picture of Jesus Christ. Simon Weston’s doctor’s phone number.
Favourite quote With God, all things are possible. You can beat an egg but you can’t beat a good shit.

And there you have it. Hope you enjoyed and I’ll see you next month. And remember: “A cross stitch is for life, not just for Christmas”, so if you’re thinking of getting an order in – do it sooner rather than later – my fingers can only do so much *smirky face emoji*.

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