Cross Stitch Bitch
I am the worldwide phenomenon that is Cross Stitch Bitch.
I’m a hot, young, nubile sex bomb who partakes in the genteel, delicate form of artwork that is ‘Cross Stitch’.
Cross Stitch Bitch is my really naughty alter ego; she likes alcohol, partying and inappropriate men, all in copious amounts.
I prefer to remain anonymous as I feel it gives me an enigmatic air of mystery, plus I can be as rude and filthy as I want to be, which is totally NOT what I’m like in real life. I’m very quiet & reserved, shy almost.
And I’ll have you in stitches...
*Now before you read any further I must stress that CSB uses bad language, adult humour and sexual references a lot. And I mean a LOT! So if you are easily offended then please do not read on... I won’t be held responsible or liable for any adverse reaction you might have!
Our problem page proved VERY popular last month and we had an absolute avalanche of problems to sift through. Between us we picked this one as it’s topically festive and many of you will be able to relate...
Dear CSNAB & CSB
I have recently started a new job & it’s our Christmas party this weekend. I tend to get very drunk, very easily and am a bit nervous about what might happen. I don’t want to embarrass myself by getting too drunk, but I don’t want to seem boring by not drinking.
P. S. Head, Drunksville.
Dear P.S. Head
I would always be a strong advocate of NOT drinking in these kinds of situations. You could end up ruining your career prospects and even in some situations get fired! (I know of a woman who once drunkenly sat on the photocopier at her office party and photocopied her buttocks! The horror!).
Now, this is something I would never normally suggest – but you could always lie. Only a little white lie mind you – just keep your glass topped up with sparkling water and pretend it’s gin and tonic. It looks exactly the same and no-one will be any the wiser. You will keep your dignity intact, a ladylike demeanour AND your job.
Lots of love
Okay P.S. Head, let’s get serious here. Firstly, it’s fucking CHRISTMAS – if you can’t get hammered and embarrass yourself at Christmas – when the fuck can you?
I would suggest getting absolutely pissed out of your brain. In fact I’d say get so drunk that you can’t remember a thing. Then if/when you do embarrass yourself, you won’t have any recollection of it anyway. Winner!
And I would also definitely suggest NOT listening to that fucking wet wipe CSNAB above because there are far worse things you can do than drunkenly straddle a photocopier (and for your information CSNAB it was my TITS I photocopied NOT my ass, so get it right please!).
I mean what’s the worst that could happen after a few too many Snowballs?
You could.... ooh I don’t know...get fingered by Halitosis Herman from Accounts in the stationery cupboard? That would definitely be worse.
Or you could call your boss a c**t, although male bosses don’t seem to mind this too much. In fact they seem to find it quite the turn on – the female bosses – not so much. Especially if they actually are a c**t.
You could end up abusing colleagues that you don’t actually like. I’ve done this on many occasions (not just when I’m drunk either); and it’s actually very liberating. You get everything off your chest and it ensures that the twat you abuse and don’t like very much stays away from you for the foreseeable future.
Hey, would you look at that?! I was trying to outline the WORST that would happen but all I can see from the above points are:
- You get fingered – as long as you can put up with his breath, that’s a bonus.
- You’ve turned your male boss on – that can only mean promotion.
- You’ve performed a twat-ectomy in your work environment – everyone could do with one of those!
So taking all of the above into account, my advice is drink until you can’t see straight, piss your pants and maybe fall/be sick into a plant pot (I’ve done all three – the plant pot was epic – especially as it was someone else’s work party. I went head first in and laddered my American Tan Glossy tights by Pretty Polly - I was more devastated about that because they were £5 a pack and that was expensive back in the day.
Anyway, enough of my problems, just ENJOY.
And that goes for all of you! I’d like to take this opportunity to say Merry Christmas c**ts....and a very happy New Year.
Lots of love and kisses and humps
Tags: Cross Stitch Bitch