August 2016

Cross Stitch Bitch

I am the worldwide phenomenon that is Cross Stitch Bitch.

I’m a hot, young, nubile sex bomb who partakes in the genteel, delicate form of artwork that is ‘Cross Stitch’.

Cross Stitch Bitch is my really naughty alter ego; she likes alcohol, partying and inappropriate men, all in copious amounts.

I prefer to remain anonymous as I feel it gives me an enigmatic air of mystery, plus I can be as rude and filthy as I want to be, which is totally NOT what I’m like in real life. I’m very quiet & reserved, shy almost.

And I’ll have you in stitches...

Cross Stitch Bitch

The Secret Diary of the Cross Stitch Bitch Aged*

*Mind your own fucking business!!!

Hiyaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

Now I was going to talk about something completely different this month, but following on from last month’s ‘tounge punch’ spelling debacle (I’ve actually still got people messaging me saying I’ve spelt it wrong.... YEAH I KNOW HOW TO SPELL ‘TONGUE’ COCK BREATH. Jog on!)

It’s fast becoming my least favourite word in the world, which got me thinking – what was my ACTUAL least favourite word. Hmmmm. Well I certainly know what my favourite word is (I think you all know too – Emma definitely knows – remember, she’s banned me from saying it? – you all know the one? – rhymes with GUNT). But I definitely have a word I hate – which I’m sure you all do too. The word I hate is ‘eggy’ as in an egg that smells eggy. Revolting. The thought of it actually makes me shudder.

I also hate any type of word which ‘dumbs down’ any part of the human genitalia. I think parents tend to do this the most so that little Timmy will say something like “Mummy my winkle needs a wee wee” rather than “Ma I’m off to syphon my python” or something equally as vulgar like, “I’m off to pump my penis”, orrrr “I’m off to bash the bishop”. I think I’ve wandered into the field of masturbation now, but you all know what I mean. (Anyone know where the field of masturbation is by the way? Sounds like somewhere I’d REALLY like to visit).

“Don’t you just hate it when your gusset won’t fit over your bulbous flange?” This was a sentence I created after I asked my lovely social media followers what their least favourite word is. This lovely lady - we’ll call her Carole - hated three words: ‘gusset’, ’bulbous’ and ‘flange’. I may actually stitch that just for her if I ever get the time. I’m sure she could learn to love those words.

A really popular, hated word is ‘moist’. I know this because I’ve had a stitch request for it (see my stitch of the month). My followers are ace because they came up with some corkers; they may hate these words/phrases but I bloody love them. I’ve picked out my top three favourites as follows:

‘Festival Fanny’: Apparently this is what happens when you’ve been at a festival for a number of days without proper access to washing facilities. (See also ‘Disco Minge’).

‘Clunge Bumper’: The overhang of a lady’s tummy (interestingly ‘tummy’ also came up as a most hated word). I call this overhang a ‘GUNT’ but clunge bumper could be a new excellent alternative.

‘Panties’: How disgusting is this word? Does anyone actually say panties?? “Remove your panties please” It’s so hideous I’m actually laughing as I’m typing it. Bleurgh.

Stitch of the month

Stitch of the monthOverall the word ‘moist’ generally topped the polls as most hated. I also happen to know it is one of our lovely columnists’ most hated words too. She’d better get used to it though, because there will be plenty of moist nappies coming her way soon!! I happen to know of a lovely ‘ointment’ for nappy rash too Tara!

That’s it from me – until next time my lovely little buttercups. Mwaaaaaaah xx

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