April 2016

Cross Stitch Bitch

I will let her explain who she is and what she’s all about. HOWEVER - I must stress that she uses ‘fruity language’ and ‘sexual references’ A LOT!

So, if this is not ‘your thing’ and you are easily offended, then please DO NOT READ ON!

You have been warned - so proceed at your own risk!

LoveSIGNATURE

Cross Stitch Bitch

The Secret Diary of the Cross Stitch Bitch Aged*

*Mind your own fucking business!!!

So spring has finally sprung, and even though it’s still cold enough to freeze your bollocks off, the sun is out, daffodils are a’fluttering in the breeze and I am on yet another commute to my friendly neighbourhood postmaster to distribute my unique brand of CSB joy to all four corners of the globe.

Now, anyone familiar with parcel sending in these days of heightened security will be aware that the Post Office are now duty bound to ask all manner of probing and potentially embarrassing questions about your parcel and its content:

“What is the value?” (Fuck all – it’s a pile of shite!!)
“What is inside?” (A dildo!! Anal beads!!! A small child!!)
(I mean, I don’t actually give these responses but I really would love to – especially if the person serving me is a dickhead).

Anyway, I digress, so there’s a lovely little man who works at my favourite Post Office and the very first time I went there he asked me the above questions, to which I replied “under twenty pounds” and “a picture frame”.

My answers were deliberately vague because. as you are aware. I am trying to stay anonymous and to save the poor chap’s embarrassment as well as my own I purposely avoided telling him what was actually in the picture frame, especially as the very first one I sent out was the word I’m not allowed to say in this column (you remember the one, rhymes with shunt?) Thankfully, he seemed satisfied with my answers... and I got away with it. For almost a year. Until one day it finally happened. He caught me out.

I strutted in, by now buoyed with a Ronnie Biggs-esqe cockiness and my usual CSB swagger, hollering out greetings to the staff, who by now I had now become quite friendly with. “Hiya Shirl, how’s Keith? Piles still playing up?” “Hey hey Derek! Looking fresh, is that a new pullover? Suits you!”

Then my favourite little interrogator started up with his usual line of questioning, but this time he was different. He probed me harder. And he probed me deeper than I had ever been probed before:

“A picture frame you say? I must ask you, for all this time I’ve been wondering what is in these picture frames exactly?” Shit the bed I whispered to myself, he’s got me! Beads of perspiration started to form on my upper lip, I started to stammer “umm, errr, why, it’s a picture of course – what else goes in a picture frame?!” I spluttered. I tried to gauge his reaction, had I got away with it?? Had I fuck.

He stared at me “Pictures of what exactly?” Cripes I thought, I’m sure there were officers interrogating at Guantanamo Bay who had gone in on the inmates with easier lines of questioning than I’m getting off this guy!

I squeaked the only response I could think of at that moment in time “Pictures of me?” He narrowed his eyes “Pictures of you? All this time you’ve been sending out hundreds of framed pictures of yourself? But you’ve been sending them to the USA, Australia... even Uruguay” (worldwide as fuck) I nodded, shame faced “Wow” he replied as he looked at me grinning “I would like one of these pictures myself you know...”.

So if you’re ever in any of the Post Offices in Swansea and you’re at a loose end whilst you’re stuck in a large queue, take a moment to examine your surroundings because in one Post Office in particular - nestled between the Mini Cheddars and the bottles of Echo Falls - there is a mugshot of a blonde middle-aged moron in a 6x4 ornate frame (pink, black or white £15 - £20 plus P&P).

I won't tell you what I'm wearing in the picture, but as I now only get charged for a large letter when I should be charged for a small parcel then I think we all know who the real winner is here and I, CSB, have escaped for another month with my anonymity fully intact.

Until next time mofo’s

CSB xx

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Tags: Cross Stitch Bitch